


darling (i am still in love with you)

by rain (meggowo)



Series: taz song fics [4]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Future Fic, I Made Magnus Cry, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Multi, Songfic, What Have I Done, straight up angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:07:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23398216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meggowo/pseuds/rain
Summary: "Maybe one day they’ll talk about their past together. Maybe one day they’ll work through all of the hurt, all of the pride, all of the sentiment. Until then, Magnus found himself content for once, to not rush in. He would wait it out, try his best to move on too, and if that never worked then he’d be there, just in case Taako ever decided that he wanted him again."Or: Magnus struggles to deal with all of the emotions to come with his returned memories after the Day of Story and Song.
Relationships: Past Magnus Burnsides/Julia Burnsides, past Magnus Burnsides/Taako - Relationship
Series: taz song fics [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1652776
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	darling (i am still in love with you)

**Author's Note:**

> i went into a coma and wrote this in 2 days and i'm still not completely convinced i was fully thinking any of it through. this shit is ANGSTY, fam, i CRIED over this, i lost FRIENDS over this, it was a Time And A Half.
> 
> anyway, this is based on the song 'happier' by ed sheeran! look at that, i'm branching out of taylor swift! (please don't be mad at me for making magnus cry!!)
> 
> drink some water, this one is a bit of a hitter, i hope you enjoy it,,,,

The memories had come crashing down on Magnus fast, faster than he could have ever been prepared for. The rushing in his ears as he’d fallen to his knees and the pounding in his temple had only grown stronger as his brain had attempted to make way for all of the new information being shoved back into it. Faintly, he had been able to hear a faint, worried conversation, but he was barely aware of it at all. The buzzing pain had been too strong, the rising intensity of his emotions in response to the memories growing too high for him to have even attempted to listen. The force of it all had made him feel like he was burning up from the inside, and his heart had pounded fiercely in his chest as a rising tide of nausea crashed over him like a tidal wave.

He remembered it becoming easier after a while. But the sheer number of memories that had been stolen from him were numerous enough for the process of truly remembering all of them to take a while. There were things, _so many things_ that Magnus could remember, things that Fisher’s baby hadn’t broadcasted. Things that Lucretia couldn’t even begin to know in entirety, but things that, regardless of her lack of knowledge of them, were still taken once the people they were connected to faded away.

Magnus was entirely unprepared for the burst of red-hot heartache that had bloomed in his chest the second he looked over at Taako. The elf that he’d gotten to know so well, staring back at him with the same sort of urgency that was threatening to bubble over inside of him. His green eyes were wide and intense and glassy. His hair had been falling messily from his braid in layers, framing his face in tufts of gold like a fantasy Baroque portrait. And while all he had wanted to do at that moment was rush forward and pull him into his arms for the first time in years, he forced himself to shove the rush of feelings aside and prioritize the mission, something he would have never been able to do with Julia, but something that felt as easy as breathing when it came to Taako. They’d gotten very good at focussing on the greater good over the past century when it had come to their relationship.

He didn’t even really think about what their time on Faerûn meant for him now until much later, after the Day of Story and Song was finally over. It took a while to process all of the memories, which still felt like a fairy tale sometimes instead of things that had actually happened to him. Though he didn’t see him much in the following days, every time Magnus saw Taako he felt warm. Their shared memories were the best ones he had of the century that Lucretia had stolen from them all, and he didn’t know for sure, but it felt like the elf was avoiding him. He couldn’t blame him; he was probably just trying to work through it all. 

Magnus needed the time as well.

He spent a couple of days on the moon base just trying to sort through everything he remembered. Carey was a good listener; she heard everything he had to say and called him out when he blamed himself too heavily for anything. She was aggressive in her support, but she was better than Killian who sometimes tagged along. Killian had a habit of getting physical when she couldn’t get him to understand, and she would end up trying to beat it into his skull, which usually devolved into a much-needed sparring match, distracting him from his thoughts for a few short hours. He wasn’t used to thinking this much, and repeatedly ended up focussing on his failures as opposed to his victories. Killian hated it when he did that.

About a week and a half after the Day of Story and Song, Magnus decided to take a trip down to Neverwinter with Angus to shop around and grab lunch. The kid had been growing bored with the sudden lack of mysteries as more and more members of the Bureau had started making plans to move back down to the planet, so Magnus elected to make a day out of it. They’d gone shopping in the morning, stopping so that Angus could pick up some magic components. They’d found a cool bookstore that had a bunch of ancient tomes covered in thick leather binding with delicate, gold leaf lettering where Magnus had found a cool old cookbook which he’d ended up purchasing for Taako. They had just been leaving a small apothecary full of sharp smelling herbs and medicines when Magnus saw them.

They weren’t doing much, just walking down the street hand-in-hand. Taako looked to be in high spirits and Kravitz... how had Magnus forgotten about Kravitz? The reaper was grinning from ear to ear, holding Taako’s hand in his like it was something special, something to be treasured, which it was. Magnus felt his heart sink into the pit of his stomach, felt a lump growing in his throat and... he couldn’t break down here, not in the middle of the street. Before he could think too much about it, he was dashing into the nearest alley, sinking against the wall and trying to hold back the tears that started to swell as soon as he was out of sight.

It all hit him at once. Even though he and Taako had been involved when Lucretia had split them apart, Taako had Kravitz now. Taako hadn’t known they’d been together, neither of them had, and Taako had moved on. He was avoiding Magnus not because he was still processing, but because he was trying to avoid the awkwardness. He was trying to pretend that there had never been anything between them. He’d lost Julia, and now he’s lost Taako too.

Magnus couldn’t expect him to want to continue being with him just because of their history together.

Angus was there, suddenly, tapping lightly on his arm. He looked worried, an expression he seemed to wear a lot since they’d defeated the Hunger. It made sense, Magnus knew he was acting differently from the man that Angus had come to know, and he also knew that Taako and Merle were probably not acting themselves in his eyes either. The Magnus that Angus knew would never have run away from anyone, especially not his emotions, especially not Taako, though Angus knew nothing of their past. He did help pull him to his feet, though, and continued talking in an attempt to distract him while he guided him away from the alleyway. Angus was a good kid; Magnus had known that for a while. Kind and polite, and way too mature for his age. He held tight onto Magnus’s hand and led him out into the lane, keeping up the calming one-sided conversation all the while.

Taako and Kravitz were still in the street, now sitting on a bench in front of the apothecary. They were both smiling and shoving at each other playfully, just joking around. They looked so carefree and comfortable in a way that Magnus had never had the chance to be with Taako. Their relationship had been intense, a small kindling of flames that had quickly grown into a bonfire, born out of the kind of fierce desperation for companionship that neither of them had been able to resist. They’d never been allowed to be carefree, not with the Hunger chasing them from plane to plane. Their involvement had relied on both of their needs to feel cared for, and the emotional attachment had only developed later. Taako had loved him, at some point, that’s something Magnus knew for sure. What he’s not sure about is when he’d stopped.

But... Taako looked happier.

Magnus didn’t see Taako at all over the next couple of days. He did see a lot of Carey, though, and Killian by extension. He felt bad for bringing their mood down. They’d won the fight against the Hunger; the relics were no longer wreaking havoc on the inhabitants of Faerûn. Everyone at the Bureau of Balance was able to move on with their lives. They should all be _happy._ But Magnus couldn’t move on, and it was bringing everyone around him down.

He just wanted to talk to Taako. They needed to talk, he needed closure. But Taako was still avoiding him. Maybe that’s why he ended up followed him back down to Neverwinter.

Or maybe it was because he just wanted to see him again.

He didn’t know where he was disappearing every day, and he knew that knowing would probably make him feel worse, but he couldn’t help himself. He lost Taako almost immediately after tailing him into Neverwinter and found himself walking into the local tavern. Walking around looking for him would make it all the more obvious why he was there if he was caught, and as much as he wanted to talk to Taako, he didn’t want to be creepy.

He wasn’t there too long, maybe an hour or so into the early evening and distracting himself by watching a dwarven bard who was performing in the corner for some of the tavern’s patrons, a half-eaten bowl of stew in front of him. The bard was talented, her flute bright and airy, fingers dancing over the keys to a lighthearted jig, and halfway through her set of songs she switched to a lute which had been strapped to her back and sang of dragons and mountains and faraway places. Her voice was thick and sweet like honey, and her fingers strummed at the strings like they were made of precious jewels. Her final song was one that Julia had sung to him, once, when he’d been sick, and she’d made him rice porridge and chamomile tea. She’d sung to him until her voice had been hoarse and had only laughed throatily when he’d tried to protest her actions the next morning when he’d been more coherent.

He missed Julia. He missed Taako. He didn’t really understand what he was feeling.

Taako walked in an hour later, Kravitz on his arm. Magnus wasn’t trying all that hard to hide, but they didn’t even notice him as they walked past him and sat down in the far corner, by the window. He watched as Kravitz whispered something to the elf, something that made him throw his head back in bright, snorting laughter. It wasn’t an attractive laugh, not in the slightest, but the joy that leaked out of him was infatuating and sharp and seemed to make the entire room livelier and more vibrant. That or Magnus was just biased.

Kravitz laughed along with him, and Magnus couldn’t help but notice that they both glowed in each other’s company. They looked so much happier than he and Taako ever had together. Although maybe that was just the pessimism talking.

 _No,_ Magnus thought to himself as he watched Kravitz kiss the elf’s blushing cheek, _he does look happier._

Magnus had hurt Taako more times than he could count. He couldn’t remember how many times he’d died over the IPRE crew’s trip on the Starblaster, let alone pick out the ones that happened after he and Taako had gotten together, but he recalled it being especially hard for the both of them. He remembered how much Taako would cling to him after a year when he’d left him behind, the days spent glued together when he’d seemed almost afraid that he would disappear in front of him. And Magnus could, in turn, remember how horribly he had managed without Taako. He was a tactile person by nature, but those years kept him withdrawn and cold. It had somehow felt... wrong to be happy when the elf wasn’t there to share it with him. It still did, apparently.

But nobody had ever loved Taako as Magnus had. He’d spent a century memorizing how the different colours of lights from a hundred different planes reflected off of his tanned skin and coloured his blonde hair in their hues. He could map out the constellations of freckles after years spent studying how they splayed out across his collarbones, shoulders, and thighs. And while increasingly desperate as the years passed, he could remember their nights together after reuniting at the start of a year following a particularly bad one, nights where he’d felt more tenderness and raw emotion than he could put into words. ‘I missed you’s traded in both words and kisses. He remembered Taako calling his name in a million different tones, a million different moods, a million different times and places. And each time had felt like music. He’d never thought of his name as a delicate one, but when Taako spoke it, it sounded like the loveliest thing he’d ever heard.

But those were all just memories, now.

Magnus couldn’t take it personally. No matter how much it hurt that Taako wasn’t his anymore, that Taako had moved on, he knew what he was going through. He’d loved Julia, after all, he’d really loved her. Still did, if he was honest with himself. They had just... clicked instantly, in a way that he and Taako hadn’t. They’d had to build their relationship from the ground up, they had never started on equal footing. But the depth of emotion and the history he’d shared with Taako felt altogether different, though it made him feel guilty. Had Magnus betrayed Taako by loving Julia even though he hadn’t remembered him? Was he betraying Julia and her memory now by feeling this much love for Taako after loving her?

Magnus understood moving on, he understood being bombarded with emotion that hadn’t been there two weeks ago. And he would understand if Taako chose to move on for good.

Sneaking out of the tavern without being spotted was easy, though Magnus didn’t know whether it was because of his newfound skill as a rogue or because of how caught up in each other Taako and Kravitz were. The streets were gradually emptying of people as the sun set, and Magnus found himself ducking behind a couple of large plants and buildings to avoid them. It slowed his return a fair bit, but it was worth it to avoid being recognized now that the crowds were thinning out. He left town just as the sun dropped below the horizon and was quick to call down a glass sphere. The trip back was quiet and serene. Magnus felt... too much. Too much to focus on at once. Avi received him in the hanger, and if Magnus didn’t already know about how shit he was at hiding his emotions, the heavy worry that radiated off of Avi as soon as he saw him would have been enough to tip him off.

Thankfully, Magnus made it back to the dormitory before breaking down completely.

He’d opened the front door to see Merle, Angus, and Carey sitting on a couple of the plush, comfy couches in the common area, the hearth roaring brightly with a warmth that permeated the whole room. Despite the extraordinary heat, Carey was still buried in quilts on an entire couch of her own, blue snout only just visible from where she had herself wrapped up like a fantasy burrito. Angus was half asleep, holding tightly onto a mug of what Magnus could only assume was hot cocoa with a Caleb Cleveland novel in the process of slipping off of his lap, and Merle was propped up in his armchair flipping through the cookbook that Magnus had bought for Taako the other day and decided not to give him. Magnus ducked away from the group to take off his shoes and coat, before turning back at the sound of Carey’s voice.

“Hey! What were you up to – oh Maggie...” the dragonborn interrupted herself, “What happened?”

Magnus raised his hands to his face to wipe away the silent tears that had started running down his cheeks, a little surprised. He was no stranger to crying, it was a normal bodily function after all, but he’d never felt so weighed down by emotion before that it had started leaking out of him like this. Carey was at his side in an instant, blankets left in a pile on the floor. She pulled his arm over her shoulders and steered him towards the couch, settling him there on the cushions. Merle looked concerned but unsurprised as he closed his book with a _snap_ and set it down on the coffee table. He probably understood more about how Magnus was feeling right then than he himself did, even without having talked to him about it yet. Angus, on the other hand, looked suddenly wide awake and panicked. He’d probably never seen Magnus cry before, and normally he’d feel apologetic but even thinking about feeling any more at that moment felt impossible. Carey was warm at his side, and Magnus couldn’t even bring himself to turn and look at her. He didn’t want to know what expression she was making.

He just sat there silently for what felt like hours but was probably much less than that, quiet tears dripping into his lap. He’d never been a loud crier, a skill he’d had to develop over the years, especially on the Starblaster if he’d wanted any ounce of privacy, and it felt weird to do it in front of people now that he remembered why. Carey’s scaled hands rubbed at his back in a manner softer than he would have expected from her had he not seen her around Killian. And then Magnus was talking, voice still heavy with tears, about Taako and their time together before Faerûn. Carey already knew a good portion of it and Merle had been there for it in its entirety, but they still sat there silently and let him speak. Angus came over at some point and cuddled into his side. He spoke about losing Julia, he spoke about now losing Taako. He spoke about how much it hurt now that he hadn’t known how upset he should have been the moment it happened. 

He spoke about how much happier Taako looked without him.

And when he was done, Carey took his face in her scaled, clawed hands and wiped the tears from his cheeks, levelling him with an expression both fiercely caring and serious. “You’ll feel it again, too, Maggie, none of this is your fault. You deserve love and happiness, and I know you’ll find it again.”

Magnus tried to smile in response, but he couldn’t see it. Not when everyone he’d ever loved that deeply had left in some way or another. He had been happier with Taako. He missed him.

A couple of days later Magnus found himself wandering down to Neverwinter again, alone this time. Avi had seen him off early that evening and had asked if he was alright. His black hair had been tied back away from his face like always, a familiar, friendly presence that Magnus was extremely thankful for. Magnus had smiled, and though small, it had been genuine, and that seemed to calm the guard a bit before he let him go.

He ended up at a different tavern around dinnertime, one that held more of a rough-and-tumble atmosphere and wasn’t connected to an inn. He wasted no time in ordering his first drink and made his way to a corner near the back of the room. He had one mission that night: to distract himself from his memories. But every little thing seemed to remind him of something about Taako. He didn’t know why he was so prevalent in his mind, maybe it had something to do with the sudden influx of information that he still wasn’t used to having, but everything made him think of him. The shade of the barmaid’s green eyes as they glinted in the candlelight, flecks of blonde hair mixed in among the tables of patrons. Magnus remembered lazy mornings he’d spent braiding the elf’s hair. He looked down at his hands, the same hands that had used to play with his hair. They were calloused and scarred, a fact that wasn’t new, but he could remember a soft moment after the start of a new year once, where Taako kissed each blemish.

He barely finished his drink before he realized that he’d been picturing Taako’s smiling face. This trip hadn’t helped at all.

Avi was still on duty when he got back, slightly tipsy after a couple more drinks. He left his post to walk him back to his dorm, leaving him at the door with a hand on his shoulder and the offer to lend an ear if he ever needed it. Magnus let himself in after a couple of moments of shuffling around looking for his keys and went straight to bed without turning any of the lights on. He felt pathetic, his cheek pressed into his pillow and a damp spot growing on the fabric.

He was happier. Wasn’t he?

They’d hurt each other, Magnus knew that, especially without their memories. They’d said things to each other that they couldn’t take back, had had to relearn each other all over again. Taako had been harsher and all that much more unforgiving, and Magnus had been... all too prepared to be expendable. He’d always known he’d been too codependent, but the state that Julia’s death had left him in had been awful. They’d never spoken about it, but they hadn’t really needed to; Magnus had known how much his former lack of care in his own life had hurt Taako, even without their memories. He hadn’t exactly _wanted_ to die, but he knew that if he had, at some point, during their adventures, he wouldn’t have cared. Taako and Merle had saved his life just by sticking around and relying on him; if he hadn’t felt needed, he wasn’t all that sure he would still be there at all. He would have become truly negligent of his own mortality. At the very least, he would have never fought so hard to live in Wonderland.

Which is why Magnus couldn’t fault the situation in the slightest. Magnus had been a mess, was still a mess, and Kravitz clearly wasn’t. Outside of Lucas’s lab, Kravitz had shown to be extremely apologetic about Merle’s arm, though it was something that both Magnus and Merle had liked to lord over his head whenever they saw him. He was a stand-up guy, he had to be if he worked for a goddess. He was handsome and kind and a huge nerd, but he made Taako laugh. He deserved him.

But... Magnus couldn’t help the intensity of his own feelings. It felt like everything had happened a couple of weeks ago instead of over ten years ago, a probable side effect from being reintroduced to it all at once. He felt a culmination all of the adoration, despair, and anxiety that he’d felt over the entire century bubbling inside of him. He didn’t know how it worked, didn’t know if he ever actually stopped feeling any of it, but it was such a huge, all-consuming yearning. He loved him, he loved him _so much,_ he just wanted to be with him again, reunite once more like they had so many times before. He wanted to hold him. But he couldn’t.

Because Taako was happy. He was glowing when Magnus came out of his room the next morning and saw him humming to himself in the kitchen, a glow that Magnus hadn’t seen in a long time. Taako wasn’t meant for slow and steady, wasn’t meant for the warmth and comfort that Magnus could provide. He needed joy, and light, and change, he needed a relationship that wasn’t built on necessity but one that was built on trust. Taako was like a bird, and Magnus had always known somewhere that someone like him could have never made someone as free-flowing and ever-changing as Taako stick around.

Maybe one day they’ll talk about their past together. Maybe one day they’ll work through all of the hurt, all of the pride, all of the sentiment. Until then, Magnus found himself content for once, to not rush in. He would wait it out, try his best to move on too, and if that never worked then he’d be there, just in case Taako ever decided that he wanted him again.

**Author's Note:**

> come scream at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/xsunshowerx)!!!
> 
> (also i made a [kofi](https://ko-fi.com/rainsmith), so if you enjoyed this or any of my other work and would like to support me, i would really appreciate it!)


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